Most of you know that my sweet Mama passed away last month and the shock is still very real to me. So many people that are strangers or don’t know me that well at all have reached out to tell me their own stories of grief and pain. It is so touching to know so many people care about my family and me and are concerned. I will be totally honest and tell you that every single day is a struggle for me; and it is really not getting much easier. I force myself to continue on in my life, but I constantly am missing my confidant, best friend and rock. Even though I know that I did not take my Mama for granted, I still have moments where I just kick myself for not telling her every day how much I loved her and appreciated all the things she did for us all.
It is the random little things that make me miss her. When I pick up my phone to call her and then remember she is gone, it is like a punch to the gut. She was so irritated with me because I was like 7 episodes behind on “This Is Us” and I can’t even bring myself to start watching them again because I won’t be able to talk to her about it. One of the things we watched together on Sunday’s was Game Of Thrones. (She would absolutely kill me for saying this on my blog because she knew people might judge her for watching it and she taught Sunday school and never wanted anyone to think badly of her.) But, we loved it. We loved the political struggle for power, wondering who would end up on the Iron Throne, the theories, and of course, Jon Snow and Dany. I cried all day on the day of the premier off and on; but I did watch it. And the next day I cried when looking at all the fan theories and thinking about which ones she would love and want to be true. It seems like a silly thing to cry about, but it was just something we loved together and I have so many memories of sitting in my living room, eating popcorn and talking about this crazy show.
This past weekend was Easter and a huge part of me wanted to just lay in the bed, cry and not even celebrate it. I know that seems like a very selfish way to be, but it was the way I felt. But, my sister, sister-in-law and me cooked lunch and held an Easter egg hunt for the smaller kids and I know my Mom would have wanted us to do that and try to enjoy it without her. The kids had a great time and I know she would have been proud. I vividly remember last year shopping with my Mom at Easter. She told me on multiple occasions that she did not know how many more Easter celebrations she would experience and she really wanted to have an “Easter Parade” for the grandkids. My Dad has a John Deere Gator and we decorated it all up with cling ons and streamers and the smaller grandkids climbed in the back and rode all around Green River. At the time, I told her, “Mom, don’t be ridiculous, you are going to have your transplant and everything will be fine, you have lots of Easter memories to make still”. And now I sit and think… she must have known somehow.
After the lunch ended and everyone left I changed clothes, put my headphones in and went for a long walk. I went to the church where I grew up and where her funeral was held, I sat at the river and listened to the water flow, then I walked to her grave again. I just sat there with her and told her all about Easter, what has been going on in my life and then I just cried some more. Don’t get me wrong, I know that she is in a better a place and I know she is in Heaven and doesn’t care about Game of Thrones or anything trivial or silly that happens down here; but sometimes I just need to talk to my Mama. Even if I know that she won’t answer. I know that the world did not stop for my broken heart, but sometimes I wish it would at least slow down some….I will continue to update you guys on how I am doing and what I am feeling, and I hope that is okay with you. It is somewhat therapeutic to write it all out, and maybe it helps someone else going through it too.
Now, onto this dress. A week or so before my Mama died, I worked out a collaboration with the Dressbarn. This dress is one that they sent me and I got the day before Mama passed away. I had it in a bag with the others to take and show her and model for her. And she had told me about a dress she got that she loved and that matched her green coat perfectly. The day she passed away, I saw the dress at her house and it actually what we buried her in as well with the green coat. Ironically, it was this same dress that the Dressbarn sent me. I can’t help but think it is some sign that I should continue with the blog, continue with my goals and think of her when I wear it. It is a Calvin Klein and has the cutest flutter sleeves. I love the style and think it is super flattering. And I just adore the blue and green floral pattern. I paired it with my royal blue block heels, but it would also look fantastic with the green bow heels I wore a few blog posts back. I paired it with some great jewelry. The earrings are no longer available, they sold out super fast, but I linked some similar below. Finally, my incredibly sweet friend had this locket engraved for me when Mama passed away. It is classic and timeless and I wear it almost every single day. It is one of my most prized possessions along with my Mama’s ring. I ordered some photos to go in it, but honestly, I need some guidance on getting them to stay, so if you have tips on that let me know!
As always, I would love to know your thoughts on this look, about your Easter and if you are struggling with things in your life. This blog is so much more than pretty clothes and I want to interact and know you all. Please reach out and we can connect if you need support, we will help each other.
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